


With you I am home

by aleighcarlisle



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, post-partum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 10:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14952785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleighcarlisle/pseuds/aleighcarlisle
Summary: Cassian and Jyn work through pains of the past as they begin a new life together outside the walls of the rebellion.





	With you I am home

His grip on the cool sheet tightened as he burrowed his head further into the soft mattress. A small whimper escaped his lips as he whispered incoherently in his sleep.

_The hot sizzle of blaster fire heated his skin as it embedded into the bark of a nearby pine. Cassian breathed heavily as he peered from a moss covered log at what remained of the Imperial outpost. The charred bodies of rebel and imperial alike lay strewn in companionable silence as the battle moved further toward the shield generator. He searched with baited breath for any sign of life as the smoke cleared from his vision._

_Cassian dropped low behind the brush as a scout trooper picked his way through the carnage. He watched as the trooper quickly lifted his blaster, aiming at an unseen target. The trooper dropped as his intended victim shot first. Cassian bounded from his hiding place, edging closer to his mark.  
Searching the area where the blaster fire had originated, he saw nothing but piles of rubble where metal supply units and imperial weaponry had been blown to bits. A hushed moan emanated from beneath a large piece of debris._

_Pain etched on her tired face, Jyn’s entire right side was pinned down, the metal burning and cutting into her tender flesh, rendering her unable to extricate herself._

_Holstering his weapon, he made his way toward her still form. As her name spilled helplessly from his lips, her eyes grew wide as they focused over his shoulder. Her scream filled the air as white-hot pain shot through his side, “Cassian!”_

His eyes shot open as her screams continued to reverberate in his ears. His shallow breathing puffed in painful gasps as he struggled with his grip on reality. Closing his eyes he focused on her voice, remembering the steps that would ground him.

_“What do you feel?”_

He reached out with his trembling hands and felt the smooth sheets beneath his head, their softness beckoning him to return to slumber. The prickly stubble of his untrimmed beard tickling his fingers as he wiped a hand across his face. Sweat dripping from his brow and splashing upon his dry lips.

_“What do you smell?”_

Cassian inhaled the scent of stim caf wafting from kitchen, likely left in anticipation he’d be waking soon. The heavy aroma pairing with the lightest scent of herbs that grew just outside the bedroom window. The strong redolence of spices mixed into a poultice and rubbed into his skin not hours before.

_“What do you hear?”_

The heavy drumming of his heart had dissipated as it was replaced with the sound of wet clothing as it swung on the line, blown back and forth by the occasional breeze that swept the hillside homestead. The steady beat of metal, as it hit the ground, breaking up the hard sediment stripped of its nutrients from years of mining. The soft mewls of a new little life as it echoed outside, safe in the arms of his mother.

_“What do you see?”_

Cassian opened his heavy eyes against the brightness of their small bedroom. The windows were opened wide allowing the light of twin suns to cast shadows on the wall. The breeze lifted the thin curtains as they ruffled like sails on a seafaring vessel. 

Tentatively sitting up, Cassian felt a tug of pain against his side as he straightened his back. He touched the sensitive spot to find a lightweight cloth wrapped firmly around his midsection, protecting their bed from the medicinal covering that had been applied.

Dragging a hand through his hair, Cassian began to piece together what had happened.

Both he and Jyn had been up into the wee hours of the morning, him with an excruciating back spasm, and her with a screaming infant.   
He had been sitting in the same position as he currently found himself, only in far more pain.

* * *

_His hand gripping his torso, Cassian bit back a groan as he attempted to get up._

_“Cass, go back to sleep, I’ve got him,” Jyn whispered as she trailed her fingertips along his shoulder and rose from their bed in the darkness. The piercing cries of their son echoed in the small room, as he waited to be picked up._

_Cassian dutifully laid back down, knowing it was a losing battle to argue with her. Shifting to lay on his stomach he hoped taking pressure off his back would lessen the tightness he felt growing in his muscles._

_Closing his eyes, he listened as Jyn attempted to soothe the baby. He knew their routine by heart. She would nurse Kai, change him, rock him, and pray he’d return to sleep. Most nights he had other plans._

_The persistent crying escalated to screams after the first hour, Jyn’s pleading becoming more and more desperate. Cassian twisted to get out of bed when his back seized up, stealing his breath and causing him to groan in pain. He lay silently on his side, hands curled into fists, attempting to control his breathing._

_Screaming baby strapped to her chest, Jyn entered the room with a steaming bowl and a long cloth. As she kneeled beside him on the bed Cassian’s apologetic eyes met her own, but she brushed the look off with a tired smile._

_“Deep breath,” she whispered._

_Cassian hissed as the hot salve was applied to his side. The spice mixture was one of Jyn’s own creation, picked up during her time with Saw’s rebels, when patching up injuries themselves was the only option. She whispered an apology as her calloused hands massaged the tender muscles._

_His back had healed quickly after their attack on Scarif, surprising himself and the medics alike. Residual pain lingered, but he could maintain the same level of responsibility in the alliance as before, but the injury incurred in the final hours of the Battle of Endor would test his limits of recovery. The single blaster shot to the lower torso had damaged muscle and nerve endings that never fully healed. On his best days, there was hardly any pain at all. On his worst, he couldn’t get out of bed._

_But he was not the only one to bear scars._

_Turning his head to face her, he stared at her stoic expression, attempting to unveil the emotions she kept closely guarded. Reaching out to touch her arm, she pulled away sharply, startling the baby and causing him to resume his wailing._

_“It’s fine, Cass.”_

_Grabbing a small cup from the bedside she nudged his lips._

_“You know I don’t like this, I’m no help to anyone when I take it,” he bemoaned_ _._

_He opened his mouth in obedience and drank the offending liquid. It tasted innocently enough like tea and honey, but he knew she added herbs to make him drowsy and relieve the inflammation. The only caveat was the heavy sleep it induced, and the hazy memories that lingered afterward._

_He grabbed her wrist as she pulled away, baby still screaming between them. Eyes drifting closed, he whispered an endearment as her hands slipped from his own. He shifted as she wrapped the cloth around his body and softly placed the thin blanket over him. As darkness fell upon him, he could still hear his son, inconsolable in the arms of his tired mother._

* * *

After dragging himself to the kitchen, he savored the taste of the caf Jyn had left for him, leaning against the door frame, staring at the familiar figure in the distance. 

The ground beneath her stubbornly refused to yield as she cleared vine and thorn from the dry soil. Baby secured tight against her back, lulled to sleep by the repetitive motion. He watched worriedly as the raising and dropping of the shovel visibly began to tire her. Her method was becoming sloppy, as she’d begun using her non-dominant hand to wield the tool. 

As Cassian moved closer he watched as she dropped the tool to the ground, leaning her head against the handle for a moments respite. The sudden stop of motion caused the baby to cry out, startling Cassian and causing Jyn to lift her gaze. 

Jyn lifted her left arm to shift the wrap around her torso, but the awkward angle made it impossible to move the baby from her back. 

“Cassian?” she questioned tiredly, her unspoken question clear.

His chest tightened at her defeated plea. 

Standing before her, he loosened the knot at her chest and kept his other hand tight against her back. Unwrapping the layers, he watched her face blanch as he loosened the fabric from beneath her right arm. Removing the final fold, he gently pried his son from her back and cradled the tiny form against his chest. 

Cassian pressed a small kiss to his head as Kai quieted on his chest. 

Putting a hand to her back, Cassian ushered Jyn toward the house. 

“You calm him,” she stated simply, albeit sadly. 

Cassian chuckled quietly, “That is because his papa has nothing he seeks.”

He kissed her temple as they entered the house, “He cries for mama, because he needs her,” his eyes finding hers misty, “as do I.”

Taking her hand he lead her silently to their room, letting go only to place Kai on his pallet. Walking to the refresher, Cassian turned the shower on and waited for it to heat. Together they’d worked to fashion the unit to filter and recycle water, using runoff from rain barrels they’d placed around the property. As convenient as sonic showers were, they were not economically feasible, nor did they provide the feeling of cleansing to the mind and body as running water. 

Cassian returned to find her sitting on their bed, staring towards the window in contemplation. She looked fragile and weary, as if the smallest movement might break her. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” he replied softly.

Jyn looked worriedly toward their son, “I should feed him, he’s probably getting hungry.”

“He’s sleeping, Jyn. He’ll be alright.”

Cassian knew she was looking for a distraction. It was one of the many traits they shared. It was much easier to busy yourself in the care of others than to explore the complexity of emotion warring within. 

Kneeling in front of her he tugged at her boots and watched for any reaction. Her eyes glazed over as he continued to undress her. He placed her wet socks on the floor and reached up for the clasps of her shirt. Starting at her neck he grazed the scars that ran the entire expanse of her throat, painful reminders of her time aboard an imperial cruiser. She had come back without her kyber crystal, a loss that seemed greater to her than the disfiguring scars it’s removal had left behind.

With steady hands he pulled at the first button. Her eyes met his own as he continued his path down her chest, caressing the soft skin beneath each one.   
As the removal of her shirt revealed heated skin beneath, her gaze dropped to her abdomen as his hand traced patterns over the stretch marks left on her body. Jyn’s hands covered his own as she stopped his ministrations. 

Cassian knew she was uncomfortable with the changes to her body since giving birth, but he found them intoxicating. The softness of her abdomen, still swollen from harboring a growing child. The white scars that marred her skin below the belly button, soft and smooth as he ran his fingers along their patterns. The curve of her hips and thighs, full and rounded, waiting for him to dig his fingertips into as he gripped her close. For the first time since they’d met, she was healthy, nourished, and safe. 

His touches to her skin had lulled her into a daze, her eyes shut tightly as she leaned into this touch.

Cassian pulled her shirt from the left arm first, exposing the smooth skin of her shoulder, soft and unadulterated. Taking a deep breath he looked to her for permission to remove the rest of the shirt. Breathing deeply, Jyn nodded in acquiesce. 

A whimper crossed her lips as he slowly pulled the shirt away. Her right arm was a myriad of color. Mottled pinks and reds with tight bands of white where new skin growth tightened and puckered. Medical treatment had healed much of the scarring, but the tracks of the most severe burns remained. The discoloration stretched across her skin like tails of lightening streaked across the sky. The scars were the least of her worries, as having been pinned beneath such a heavy structure she suffered nerve damage that would periodically cause her to lose mobility.

Pulling her from the bed, he pressed her toward the refresher. 

“Take your time. I’ll be right here if you need me,” he encouraged. 

With no indication she’d heard him, Jyn walked past him and out of sight. 

Cassian blew out a breath and scratched at the stubble on his cheeks. Closing his eyes, he listened to the steady beat of water on the stone floor. Another sound began to overlap the steady stream. The hitch of breath and the muffled sound of crying.

Edging around the corner, Cassian stopped and took in the sight before him.   
Knees pulled tight to her chest, Jyn sat in the middle of the shower, back to the door, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Her body was bare, save for the breast band tight around her chest. Her right arm hung limply at her side as she made no attempt to speak. 

“Jyn?” he whispered. 

Kneeling just outside the shower, Cassian stifled a groan as his tender back protested the position. Her eyes flashed to his, an unspoken apology in her gaze. 

“Do you want me to go?” he questioned. 

Jyn shook her head in response, arm tightening around her knees. 

Cassian reached for the clasp at the back of her breast band, pausing as if silently requesting permission. Releasing the clasp, he pulled it gently from her chest, placing it on the floor behind him. Reaching for cleanser, he rubbed it into his hands and began to massage it gently into her scalp, scratching gently at the nape of her neck and behind her ears. 

Her hair had grown considerably long since they’d met, length now past her shoulders, and fringe at her collarbone. Rinsing her long strands of cleanser, he smoothed a hand over her head and brushed wet locks from her face. 

Quickly lathering his hands with soap he began to rub her neck and back. A low hum sounded in her throat as he dipped to her lower back. Coming back to the front, he pulled her knees gently from her chest and began to knead the soft skin of her tummy and breasts. Brushing his hand against her sensitive and swollen chest, he watched as milk began to drip in earnest. 

Her gaze caught his own and his heart broke as he watched tears mix with water that dripped down her face. Leaning in to gently kiss her wet cheeks, he rinsed the soap from her body and turned off the water. 

Jyn allowed him to dry her off and wrap her in his loose robe, her small form even more evident in the large covering. 

Laying on her left, Jyn curled up on Cassian’s side of the bed and looked toward him expectantly. He had already turned away to pick up Kai and bring him to their bed. Arranging him carefully next to her chest, he watched in silent wonder as they intuitively worked together, mother and child, in a way that never ceased to be mesmerizing to him. 

Pulling her robe to the side, he watched as Kai rooted and whimpered until he found his mother’s soft skin and began to suck eagerly. His little fist pulled painfully at her skin, drawing the milk down to drink. Tears tracked down her cheeks once more, Cassian smiling sadly as he watched his wife battle the emotion raging in her heart and mind. 

Looking up from Kai, Jyn caught Cassian staring and blushed. He was laying not a foot away, on his side, head propped up on his hand. 

“I know, I’m a bit of a mess,” she laughed deprecatingly, her lower lip trembling through her smile. 

Cassian brushed a hand through her tangled, damp hair, “I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Jyn brushed Kai’s dark hair with a feather light touch and murmured a thought out loud, “I wish my mama was here.”

Cassian remained silent, willing her to continue speaking without prompt.

She smiled as she reminisced, “Mama was direct, so sure of herself. She always had an answer for everything. She wasn’t playful and silly like Papa. I always felt this need to please her, to show her I could dream like Papa, but still keep my feet on the ground.”

Cassian smirked at the similarities between herself and the woman she described, yet at the same time so different.

“She was very particular about the way she talked about him. Like she married him only because she wanted him, not because she needed him. She was clear as to her self-sufficiency. She knew how to detach herself from emotion.”

Closing her eyes, Jyn continued, “When we were running from Krennic on Lah’mu, I remember how tight she gripped my wrist. No matter how hard I cried or pleaded for her to stop, she continued pulling and dragging me behind her. She looked so calm because she had already made her decision.”

Cassian’s eyebrow’s went up as she continued, tucking each word away for safe keeping, as she hardly ever spoke of her childhood.

“A few days before Krennic arrived, I overheard them talking after I’d gone to bed. Papa was scolding her for being so hard on me.”

He gave her a gentle nod as she continued, “I heard her say, ‘Love wont save her, Galen.’”

“I think perhaps I internalized that, and it became the reason I closed myself off. Love couldn’t protect me, so why make myself vulnerable? I didn’t want love if it meant being left behind.”

Cassian knew that she was speaking not just of her mother, but of the same actions by Saw Gerrera. 

“When she said that, she had already made up her mind that she was going after Papa,” she whispered, stroking Kai’s cheek, “even after he told her to leave with me.”

Jyn caught Cassian’s eyes with a look that exposed the pain she kept hidden so well.

“I still get angry with her sometimes. They were going to take Papa whether she tried to stop them or not. But she chose to leave me.”

Kai chose that moment to cry out, unlatching from her sore breast and crying in earnest. Knowing Jyn couldn’t lay on her other side without intense pain, Cassian sat up, cradling his son, and positioned him at her other breast, helping her to get him to latch without a word, and bearing his weight so she didn’t have to.

“When Kai was born, I remember looking at him and thinking, I could never leave him behind.”

Jyn put her hand beneath Cassian’s as he held their son’s head so gently.

“But there are time’s I put myself in the same position as my mama, and I make the same choice. I choose you,” she whispered brokenly. 

“I’m not self-sufficient like her. I’m not with you only because I want you. I’m with you because I need you. But what kind of mother does that make me?”

Leaning in close to her face he replied, “I will do everything in power to make certain that is a choice you will never have to make.”

“Do you ever think that maybe the reason your mama left you on your own was because she had trust in you? She knew that you would obey her, that you could take care of yourself if you had to? At that moment your papa needed her more than you did.”

Her tears resumed once more, “But I was just a child, Cass.”

“I know,  _mi vida_ , I know,” he consoled her. 

Of course he knew. He had been even younger than she when he’d been left on his own. So young to have such responsibility heaped upon your shoulders.

Kai had fallen asleep, lulled into slumber by their soft conversation. Cassian lifted him to his shoulder, patting him lightly on the back before placing him back on his pallet. 

Kneeling close to her side, Cassian leaned in and kissed her chastely on the lips, wrapping the robe tightly back around her chest and lightly tying the sash.

She watched him leave the room, knowing the pattern of their routine. In confirmation, Cassian returned with a steaming bowl, much the same as she had done hours before for him. 

Rolling the sleeve of the robe up to her shoulder he began to massage the oily substance into her dry skin. He dragged his thumb along the harder ridges of skin where muscles underneath knotted in defiance.

Each time they tended to each others scars, Jyn couldn’t help but think back to events that marked their departure from the fight of the rebellion.

They’d left not a year after the final conflict on Endor. Both had suffered irreparable damage both physically and mentally over the course of their time under command. They had made the difficult decision to part ways, seeking solace in a star system in the Outer Rim. They would continue to fight the evils of the galaxy their own way, by becoming inhabitants and rebuilders of a planet that had been ravaged and mined in order to supply materials for the creation of the second Death Star. 

“Do you ever think we should have stayed?” she ground out as he hit a particularly sensitive spot.

Shaking his head almost imperceptibly, he offered a simple question in reply, “Are you unhappy here?”

Placing a gentle hand to still his own, she tugged him toward her and captured his lips with her own, answering his question the best way she knew how. 

Catching his breath he spoke softly, “There will always be war, and as one evil is dispelled, another will rise up in its place.” His hand settled on her hip, giving her a light squeeze.

“I am at the point in my life where I want to be able to look in the mirror and like who I see. I want Kai to be proud of his papa.”

Cassian’s eyes had grow misty and he hastily wiped at them to quell the emotion. 

Jyn pulled him down beside her, pressing his head to her chest, and ran her hand through his coarse hair. She knew where the emotion had come from. Neither of them were very proud of the things they had done in the name of survival, in the name of obedience to the cause.

She hadn’t known the loyalty of her father until he died, and Cassian’s father hadn’t lived long enough for him to judge him on that account.

If they could give Kai anything, it would be themselves.

Cassian tangled his legs between her own and pressed a kiss to the soft skin at her breast. 

Jyn drowsily whispered against his temple, “Don’t let me sleep too long, Kai will be hungry again soon.”

She felt the gentle hum of his chest against her own, affirming he wouldn’t.

* * *

Cassian’s gentle voice washed over her as she slowly began to wake. The bedroom was becoming dim, the shadows of the twin suns cast high on the stone walls. 

“Hush,  _mijo,_  Mama needs her rest. It’s alright.” Cassian pleaded with him to quiet his cries for a little longer.

Jyn could see their shadow cast upon the wall in front of her. Kai was cradled against Cassian’s chest, no doubt his ear pressed to his Papa’s heart. She watched as the shadow bounced gently back and forth, Cassian’s voice whispering a soft lullaby she’d only heard once before. It was the only precious memory that remained of his mother. 

_Estrellita del lejano cielo,_  
que miras mi dolor,  
que sabes mi sufrir.  
Baja y dime  
si me quiere un poco,  
porque yo no puedo sin su amor vivir.

Jyn smiled softly and turned to face them. Her eyes met his own, a silent promise shared between them. Kai would not be abandoned as they had been.

He would have a place to call home.


End file.
